Cancer and Divorce

Cancer and divorce. They both leave huge holes behind where relationships used to be. Cancer sometimes follows bad choices like smoking, but often comes unwarranted and unbidden, announcing itself often so far into the process as to afford no escape. The process tries the most stalwart of souls, and leaves an ache in its wake impossible to reconcile.

Divorce more clearly emanates from choices, at least of the couple, yet innocent children and others suffer the consequences. Yet both cancer and divorce has something in common. Despite the unavoidable pain, the collateral damage can be mediated if people care enough to try.

For cancer? Listening to the patient at whatever level they want to go, talking of death or not, talking of what's next or not, being their listening ear and a hand to hold. And not condemning fellow family members if they process the whole event differently than you do. Allowing everyone involved to have their own experience, without script or condemnation. But if at all possible, clearing the air as best as possible with the dying person. Allow that person to rid themselves of any baggage they need to unload. Do the same for yourself, but not at their expense. If they can't handle the unload, find another place to drop that baggage.

When my dad was first diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, he thought there were 10 stages. We didn't tell him otherwise. It was bad enough as it was. But at the same time, we had some good honest talks over the next weeks as he led. A few days before he died, he got to give us his blessing. It was the most heart-rending experience I've ever had to watch him say good-bye to my children. But after he was gone, I had true closure. I didn't have that with my mother who died suddenly with no opportunity to process.

I hate cancer. But it typically allows time to process grief. Use that gift well.

For divorce? When it comes to the children of divorce, every parent should put aside what they want, what they are thinking, whatever caused them to separate from their spouse, and try their best to normalize their children's lives as much as possible. They should never become pawns in the process, or be used as messengers of doom from one parent to the other, or lose their favorite activities and friends because of choices their parents made.

And most importantly, parents should not criticize the other parent to their children. No matter how one former spouse feels about the other, that is still the child's parent and anything negative reflects back on the child.

My parents divorced but did an awesome job of parenting without such divisive game playing. Of course at times I heard negative things from them about the other, but mostly they both affirmed the other person as a parent. They behaved themselves when they needed to attend a function as my parents. I will always be grateful for how well they did that.

Divorce still hurts. It hurts to not have a whole family, every child's ideal, and that doesn't go away when you're grown up.

Cancer and divorce. They both rip at our hearts. Minimize the pain when you can. Embrace it when you can't avoid it, because then you'll find the healing faster. And especially at Christmas, remember anyone around you suffering from the heartbreak of either.

Immediate Gratification

It's not really a surprise to say that the prevalent disease of our culture is immediate gratification. We can't wait for anything. And because we can't wait for simple things like our food to cook in an oven instead of a microwave or be prepared by a cook at a restaurant instead of mass produced on an assembly line, we can't wait for more important things either.

We can't wait for someone to pay us a compliment of their own volition, we have to fish for it. We can't wait for the price to come down on the latest gadget, we have to be the first to own it. We can't wait for our paycheck, we use credit or get a pay advance.

And we pass this disease on to our children.

But worst of all, we can't wait for heaven for all the blessings of God. We insist on having them here. Of course God does have daily blessings for us. But we never seem satisfied, we always want more. Now. Or yesterday even.

Time doesn't exist in heaven. I'm not sure if that means we won't have to wait for things. But even if we don't have to wait any more, I hope we will graduate from the selfish attitude that demands all our toys now.

All Nighter

People stay up all night for a lot of reasons. Homework. Work work. Partying. Just to say they did.

Last night 20 youth hung out at our church all night. Eight of them stayed up all night. They felt so proud of themselves.

I used to work third shift, so it was not new territory for me. Can't say I've done it lately. It really wasn't even hard...I think that was the Holy Spirit. I was plenty tired in the afternoon, so it sure wasn't my energy.

It was great to see teens having some positive fun things to do, different from what a lot of their peers would stay up all night doing.

I think my favorite part was how they interacted. Some of them are good friends, but if you put all of them together, they would not hang out at school. Yet all night they were kind to each other, no one was left out, even one kid from our church who didn't know the others.

We can do this, world. We can hang out with others different from us, even when we are teenagers, and be gracious and kind, and even have fun.

That was worth staying up all night to see.

Purging

Today I purged my refrigerator. I am not much of a housekeeper, instead a mom/wife and pastor, and people claim primacy, stuff has to happen when it can. My fridge doesn't call out to help it, so it gets ignored.

I hate wasting food, but it happens, then I feel awful throwing it away. I have wasted our money, and the starving world's food.

I also hate throwing away the remnants of daughters gone since summer because that's just more evidence that they are really gone again. Keeping that hummus in there invites them back.

But today it all went in the garbage, and hopefully having it cleared out will help me keep on top of what I have and use it better. Roger being sick meant no one eating spinach and fresh veggies.

I need to purge a lot of other things. I cleaned out the bottom of my study closet this weekend in desperation with the need to find something. It seems I only purge when I'm desperate.

Daily purging would be nice. At least keeping a handle on it. And I don't mean my fridge or closet but my soul. I shouldn't just keep stuff around hoping it will turn up useful someday.

Rotted material, got to go. Outdated thinking, pitch it. Look for fresh and refreshed. Pertinent and personal. Real and reality. Look for Jesus. He moves in to the vacancy left by the garbage. What an upgrade.

Stones

When you tell people your husband has a kidney stone, you get two comments.
1. It's like having a baby
2. This too shall pass

It took a while to find a woman who had actually been all the way through labor and had a kidney stone to confirm the first assertion. Having men say so is all hypothetical. When it was all over, Roger asked me if his pain over the last week equaled the pain I experienced in birthing all four of our children.

I wasn't excited to concede that point. After all, are we counting the hours of labor, or the nine months of each pregnancy? In sheer pain, he wins. On Monday with two pain pills he was writhing on the floor.

As for the second assertion, this too did not pass. The doctor had to go in there and get that baby out of there. Less intrusive than a c-section thankfully. After a week of laboring to pass a stone that was already almost delivered, it seemed to be stuck. Not anymore.

I find the comparison idea humorous. It's as if men are tired of women holding childbirth suffering over their heads and are struggling to make up ground. I'll just concede the point, not having been through stones personally even. Whatever labor is like you still get an amazing blessing to show for it, instead of a follow up with a urologist and a change in diet.

As for the "this too shall pass," that's true of everything eventually, but not very consoling. At times people need to be reminded their struggles will end. But mostly they just need to be listened to.

We are grateful for many listeners this week, by email, Facebook, text and phone, many friends have prayed and inquired and supported. Thanks.

The Score

When I'm watching my team play ball, I get frustrated when the scorekeeper messes up. When they add the latest goal/run/etc. to the wrong team, I want to be sure it gets fixed. I want the score to be right, especially for my team.

You would expect the pros never to mess this up, but I've even seen it happen at that level. But there is one score that will be accurate for sure, that's the one God is keeping.

We might think it's wrong. We might think he's missed something, because we sure keep it differently.

We notice all kinds of wrongs that we want tallied. But if forgiveness has been granted, those scores are cleared. We have to let go, whether its us or someone else.

I've done a lot of ministry that seems wasted, unaccounted for, off the scoreboard. It's not on any earthly tally. But God is keeping score.

That gives me remarkable comfort.

It's just as remarkable that there is any score at all, that I haven't canceled out any accomplishments with all the missed opportunities and mangled attempts. That's where forgiveness comes in.

Some days I wish the score were as clearly posted as a flashing Jumbotron. But most of the time, I'm sure I'm glad it's not.

I imagine in heaven somehow finding out our true "score" will neither give us reason to boast or to be ashamed. Mostly importantly I am simply glad that Jesus said even a cup of cold water will not lose its reward. That means that no service done in the name of Jesus will be wasted. That is Kingdom economy, and I am grateful.

Judging

Imagine if I took all the energy I spend judging other people, deciding how they should use their resources, time and creativity, how much I could accomplish? Not just this week when writing, but all the time.

Jesus said judge not lest you be judged, so I am also inviting a lot of judgment onto myself.

I don't think of people as evil, mostly simply misguided. If only they would make the wise choices I make. If I bothered to turn this lens of correction on myself, I would quickly draw back in horror.

Part of me thinks it unwise to post such a confession. The part of me that insists I do so hopes for the redirection that can emanate from transparency about one's shortcomings. What an understated word for sin.

God is in the Details

When I said I wasn't bringing chocolate, I mentioned Dove Dark Promises...those were offered after lunch today.

Something even more important happened before lunch.

We are using the Divine Hours, which is a prayer guide. For Morning Prayers, Midday Prayers, Vespers and Compline a combination of readings and prayers are given. At the end, there is a prayer for the week, which is the same every day of this given week. Then we take a moment for personal prayers. Then we close with the concluding prayer, which is not the same every day.

Today before lunch I learned my son is trying out tonight for his college club baseball team. My daughter is in the midst of trying to get accommodations for her GRE. So during our prayer time, I shared a general prayer for my family that God would grant them favor.

After I prayed, I felt self-conscious. I still struggle with praying for favor. Does that mean I want God to like me or my children more than others? I wondered if the people I was praying with thought it was acceptable to pray for favor.

Then we prayed the final prayer for the midday. And it started like this:
"Direct me, O Lord, in all my doings with your most gracious favor, and further me with your continual help..."

The prayer went on, but I couldn't. Once I read the word favor, in this particular prayer, in a book with different prayers four times a day each day of the year, I was too moved to continue. God obviously wanted me to be reassured.

Back in my room I decided to look up the occurrences of favor in the Bible. A survey showed me that although God does not show favoritism, and doesn't want us to, especially to the rich, asking for favor is not selfish or disdained.

What is more, the angels announced on the night of Jesus birth, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to all on whom His favor rests." The coming of Christ brought us all favor.

So Lord, I pray without self-consciousness, direct me and my husband and my children with your most gracious favor.

And thank you that you can speak directly to me, through the Bible and through other books, just at the point of need.

Another Safety Net

So I decided not to bring chocolate. They have chocolate here, so that is covered.

What I forgot to bring was my bathroom bag. Packed it, the suitcase didn't have room, left it on the bed.

I'm only ten minutes from home. I didn't discover the missing items until bedtime. I didn't want to leave the retreat center. I really want to be away, even though I could drive home and get my stuff, I didn't want that distraction, or the temptation to do it again the next time something was missing, something probably less essential than my toothbrush.

Roger brought it to me this morning. God is my ultimate safety net, but Roger is my earthly counterpart. Thanks, dear.

No Safety Net

Often when I travel I take along comfort items.

Food, especially chocolate. If I'm staying in a room alone, perhaps a movie to watch.

This afternoon I leave for a writer's retreat. Our days have a rhythm of worship, writing time, meals and evening feedback sessions.

I am not taking a safety net. No movies. No extra food, I will just eat what is available. Not even any chocolate. Ouch.

I want to be fully present for what God has for me. I want to rely on God's promises more than a Dove dark promise. I look forward to what will unfold.

Connecting

I first signed up for Facebook to connect with our other women pastors. My children were mortified because they feared my intrusion into their world. I have made some faux pas along the way, but hopefully have learned how to enjoy seeing some of their adventures without prying into their business.

Meanwhile, having started on Facebook, besides my pastor friends I have reconnected with childhood and high school friends. This is especially meaningful as my son is now attending college in my hometown.

Friends from my past have been fun to chat with, and even to discuss deep life issues. Conversations we may have never had as young folks now reach new dimensions as adults.

This week the interchange between two high school friends brought my friend Dona to mind. She and I were best friends as children, hopping the neighbor's fence to cut through between our houses. We lost touch as I went to junior high first but reconnected at a recent high school reunion. The day after I thought of her, she commented on my wall and we had a nice live chat.

Our college age sons sound similar. We are both seeking a quiet place with God. After all these years and life experiences we can still connect.

CS Lewis liked to remind us that we are eternal beings. It might seem like nations and civilizations outlast individuals, but in reality long after Rome is dust and the US lies in ruins we will still exist.

Any one we know on this earth we may have the opportunity to spend eternity with. When you consider that, it makes our relationships here even more valuable. Think about that the next time you push that friend button.

Home

Real Simple asked readers what Home means. I contemplated this a lot when I moved to Cincinnati. I certainly didn't feel home here at first. But was home back in Lexington, or in Jackson where my parents were from, where our roots dug even deeper?

Here are my definitions of Home:
Home is where you can walk in the door without knocking, and just holler "Hello" or say nothing.
Home is where you can peer into the cabinet or refrigerator and be welcome to eat what you find.
Home is where there is a bed to welcome you for the night if you need it.

By these definitions before my previously nomadic brother really had a home of his own, he could be home at our house. And now I can be home at his house in Santa Barbara, or at Nora's in Baltimore, and my aunt Jackie's in Jackson.

Home is created by the hospitality of those who live there. So when we say Home is where your heart is, we are acknowledging that home is with those you love.

And so someday, I will step into an eternal home, and I can just walk in, find food and rest, and the main reason it will feel like Home is the presence of Jesus.

Can hardly wait. Meanwhile, I hope I can be home for others, the basketball boys who need a drink of water, and my own children when they return from their journeys for a taste of home.

Want Eight?

In case someone is still wondering the mystical meaning of 8, whether it's more than just the Twelve Days of Christmas claiming that the eight maids of milking refer to the 8 beatitudes...no, it's nothing deep or spiritual at all. It doesn't even matter to most of the world.

But if you're from Lexington, and your Kentucky Wildcats basketball team has previously won 7 national championships, then you Want Eight!

Prayer Works

Prayer works. OK, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Studies done on patients show that those with prayer support recover better from surgeries. I know this. God is the master healer, he made our bodies to heal, and I am not surprised when that happens. But sometimes I stand amazed at how prayer works.

This week I drove my oldest daughter Nora to Baltimore to move into her home for the next year. Our youth pastor Randall helped us make the trip, then connected with his wife who was visiting her mother in the suburbs of Baltimore.

On the way to Nora’s house, we had to take a block detour around a crime scene. Randall helped me carry a dresser to Nora’s room before I drove him to see his wife Destiny. As we pulled away, Randall, who grew up in the hood in California, asked me, “How do you feel about Nora living there?”

If Nora had chosen to live in Sandtown with some friends because it is cheap rent, I would be terrified. But Nora is living with three young women who have chosen to be part of New Song, a community development project based on the John Perkins model. The church building is on Nora’s block. Next door is another church family. On the other side is a coffee house run by church folks. The next block has been totally remodeled by the church’s Habitat project.

The morning I left we had breakfast in the coffee shop next door. The owner showed me an article in the local magazine about him and his business partner, two men who grew up in Sandtown, and used to run the drug scene. Now Gerry is pushing coffee, hot fries for students, and Jesus. I told him to watch out for my daughter, and I know he will.

As I drove away that morning I expected to be devastated, broken hearted at leaving my first-born behind, and anxious about her welfare. I expected to cry all the way to pick up Destiny and Randall.

Didn’t happen. I called Liza, she had been praying for me, and I knew that my peace was supernatural. I had been prayed for. Nora is living with a purpose in that neighborhood, and God will protect her. I will still miss her, but I enjoyed a wonderful visit getting her settled, and feel welcome to return.

Of course I know that prayer works. But when it touches me in a way that I do not expect, I am amazed. As I wrote previously about dropping Luke at college, God cares about us even in the details. He is watching over Luke, and Nora, and he even cares enough to comfort me.

God is Our Zip Lock Bag

Ok, before you accuse me of irreverence, bear with me.

1 Thessalonians 5:23 talks about being kept blameless by God. Verse 24 says God is faithful and he will do it.

Now I don't know about you, but I like being blameless. Most people don't like accepting blame, it started with Eve who blamed the serpent and Adam who blamed Eve. I try to own up when I am to blame, but I sure like it when I have no blame on my conscience. I enjoy being blameless.

It's a hard state to accomplish. But these verses tell us that God is here to help. We are not doing this alone.

God is like a zip lock bag. We like to backpack, and you put your stuff in zip lock bags to protect it. That keeps it from getting dirty, or ruined by water, or keeps parts from getting lost. Zip lock bags keep things together, and safe, and clean.

That's the kind of help we need from God. We are not good at keeping ourselves together, or safe, or clean. God wants to help us with that.

We can get out of the bag, we can undo the zipper and let the dirt in, or climb out and roll around in it, or get lost far away.

But if we are willing to stay in God, to stay in the zip lock bag, he will protect us. He will keep us clean and safe and blameless. Not to mention the fact that if we do jump out and make a mess of ourselves, he's willing to clean us up and let us climb back in.

Lack of freedom? To quote Kris Kristofferson, freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. Real freedom is freedom from blame.

So crawl in your zip lock bag and rest, clean and safe.

Lack of Information

Recently my kids have suffered from lack of information. Junia had conversations related to applying to grad school in which someone could have told her she needed to be retested and saved us the last minute nightmare and exorbitant expense we are now facing. Luke had conversations about trying out for baseball in which someone could have told him he needed NCAA certification and saved us the extra money to rush that process.

I have been pondering why these things happen, but to no avail. I guess it is not other people's responsibility to give us information that we need. Yet we don't always know the questions we need to ask.

Max De Pree says leadership is asking the right questions, and the most important is who do we intend to be, not what are we going to do.

So we didn't ask the right questions, we didn't even know what the questions were. As for how they relate to who we intend to be, we'll have to trust that somehow God is using these frustrations to build us into those people.

These are definitely temporary battles, looming large in this moment but shrinking into insignificance in the course of our lifetime.

Lord help me to keep that in perspective when all I can see is the windmill I am fighting.

Goals

This week when our children were all home we talked about goals for this year. Here are some of mine, not in order of priority or importance.

1. Listen to my toothbrush. My electric toothbrush vibrates to tell me when to switch to a new section to brush and when I have completed the recommended four minutes of brushing. I typically am not paying any attention and just quit when I feel like it. It's not that important to obey my toothbrush, but it's a great analogy for listening to the Holy Spirit who would like to send me signals and suggestions if I were paying attention. Slow down. Listen. Learn. Obey.

2. Decide about a degree. I have been contemplating for two years pursuing a PhD. This year I will either apply or decide not to. If I decide not to do the degree, I still in some form want to do the research that is the driving force behind the degree idea.

3. Write more. This will be off to a positive start when I attend a writer's retreat in September. Not to mention blogging. :)

4. Maximize our effectiveness at church. We have an amazing couple, Randall and Destiny to work with our youth and children. While they are with us this school year I want to really nurture this part of our ministry. Also have more adult fellowship opportunities.

5. Listen more. Besides listening to the Holy Spirit, I want to listen to people more. Being alone a lot when a real live human shows up in person or on the phone I easily talk too much.

6. Reach a healthy weight.

7. Spend more time in daily prayer, reestablish some of the spiritual disciplines I enjoy. See #1.

That should keep me busy.

Forgiveness

Roger is reading a book about forgiveness that says in a good relationship people have 5 good interchanges with one bad. That's like batting 833. Impressive.

I found this encouraging. I'm not sure if I bat that well in the relationships that matter most to me, especially my husband and children. I have begun to worry lately that I needed to stop interacting with them at all because I so easily offend, overstep boundaries, hover and harass.

Those numbers give me hope. To keep the baseball analogy going, you can't get a hit if you don't go to bat. So I guess I have to keep going to the plate.

As I do I'll have to count on forgiveness. God has no trouble drowning our sins in his sea of forgetfulness (Micah 7:19), if only we humans could master that skill. It seems we forget what we want to remember, and remember what we would rather forget.

May God give us all the courage to forgive and be forgiven.

A Sign

Our two daughters chose a small Christian college, a physically safe, spiritually safe place. They didn't chose it because they were looking for a safe place, but that was certainly a nice side benefit.

Our son just moved into a major state university. His dad and sisters have all been concerned about that difference.

18000 undergraduates attend Kentucky. And out of all those students, I know one other than Luke, my cousin Kaitlyn.

On Friday we moved Luke into his dorm. We ate dinner together. Then it was time for him to attend a series of student events while we caught a reception for parents and families. We left Luke and walked a circuitous route to the building where our reception was.

And as we walked down the street toward that building, who should we see out of those thousands of students, but my cousin, Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn who is not only a family member and the only person we know there, but Kaitlyn who is connected into one of the campus ministries and was on her way to the event we left Luke at.

At first we thought she could never find Luke in that crowd, then we remembered he was sporting his Cincinnati Reds attire, a red shirt in a sea of blue, wearing his cap turned backward with Howell printed there. (Kaitlyn had not seen Luke since they were both small). No trouble recognizing him. She found him and was able to direct him to another Christian event following that first one.

Because I was so blown away by that, I called my aunt, who told me we could meet Kaitlyn at her house on Saturday. I had an email about that, but wasn't online and would not have received it in time.

So we would have missed connecting with Kaitlyn all together, prearranged or otherwise, if God had not sent her down Rose Street at just the right moment on Friday.

So what? So the same God who arranged all that in that huge place swarming with thousands of students will continue to look after Luke.

I am reassured.

Give Thanks for All?

My sermon last week was based on 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, which says, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

On Monday while contemplating giving thanks in all circumstances, I thought about Emily. Her spinal column thinks she has a brain tumor, which she doesn’t, and is sending fluid to her brain. This of course causes tremendous pressure.The pressure became so unbearable that Emily could not eat or sleep. She had pain and nausea. Sleep is often the only release from great pain and discomfort, but even that release was not given to her. At one point she felt like dying, not that she was suicidal, just that death seemed the only release from her suffering. Thankfully a spinal tap has provided some relief, although the medication she is on leaves her drained and needing abundant sleep.

I was thinking about her on Monday in regard to these verses. Then for some reason I got sick myself. I had an extreme headache and nausea, and ended up vomiting twice. I hate to vomit. I know no one loves to, but someone like Roger looks at it like a relief to make you feel better. I resist it until it is unavoidable. So the next day, I was trying to figure out how you give thanks for vomiting. I lost some weight, which is welcome, but I still wasn’t excited about vomiting. I prayed a lot for Emily, feeling in sympathy for her, although her suffering has been much worse, which was a good thing that I was reminded to pray for her and for Don who has also been in great pain, and also vomited this week trying to take pain medication.

Then I remembered that horses can’t vomit. They have no regurgitation reflex. Most animals have a survival instinct that causes them to eat whenever possible, just in case they don’t get fed again. A dog will overeat when it finds a treasure of food, and if it is too much, it vomits it up. Our dog Sunny got some chocolate lately, and she vomited it up, because chocolate is poison to dogs. So that reflex got the poison out of her system. Horses cannot vomit, so if they get into the feed storage and eat a whole can of food, instead of vomiting, they become terribly uncomfortable, often roll on the ground in their attempt to feel better, twist their intestines, and die. Yes, horses can die from overeating because they cannot vomit.

Besides the regurgitation reflex when we are physically sick, sometimes we need to excise some spiritual poison. Sometimes that poison is a grief we are carrying, and the only way to be delivered is to grieve, cry, yell, whatever it takes to allow the grief to escape, instead of allowing it to fester and poison our whole system. Certainly sin needs to be vomited, as well as guilt or shame. Whatever we are holding on to needs to come out.

One method of ridding our systems of poison is to praise. When we give thanks in all circumstances, and begin to pray continually, we will soon found ourselves being joyful always.

So give it up!

One Less

When my dad left my mother in 1973 there was a popular song called One Less Bell to Answer. The song tried to extol the advantages of a man leaving a woman, but the results were melancholy, as seen in the first verse:
One less bell to answer
One less egg to fry
One less man to pick up after
I should be happy
But all I do is cry.

I can still remember the emotions surrounding that song for my abandoned mother. Thankfully, I still have a man to pick up after, and actually Roger picks up more after me that I do him. But by the end of the month, our household will be at half mast.

Having four children, six people at home, and reducing that to just one child and a total of three people, means:
Half the laundry
Half the dirty dishes
Half the stuff left around...or even less
Only one child so we know who left the (fill in the blank) where it doesn't belong (this is where you feel sorry for Wesley)

And as the old song said, I should be happy, but well, I'm working hard to do more than cry, but for sure as I contemplate our diminished household, I can't help but count other things:
Half the hugs and smiles
No other females for girl movies
No one left who enjoys cooking sometimes
No one left who enjoys art museums or shopping
No siblings left for Wesley to divert the focus of parents solely on him
Way less than half the synergy and laughter that spontaneously erupts between our four children

My favorite role is life is mother, and losing your favorite job is heartbreaking. Yet I know God has new horizons, so stay tuned for those developments. Blogging is a start! Certainly writing is an outlet for me, and I even have a writer's retreat planned for September.

More to come!

Starting a Blog

Why? Would you believe because this weekend I watched Julie and Julia? Or because many of my pastor friends do this? Or because I have the audacity to think I might have something to say? Or maybe because I am home alone a lot and need someone to talk to, even if it's in cyberspace?

All true. Yet I pray even more that my journey might comfort, inspire or encourage a fellow traveler. We'll see who comes along for the ride.