Cancer and Divorce

Cancer and divorce. They both leave huge holes behind where relationships used to be. Cancer sometimes follows bad choices like smoking, but often comes unwarranted and unbidden, announcing itself often so far into the process as to afford no escape. The process tries the most stalwart of souls, and leaves an ache in its wake impossible to reconcile.

Divorce more clearly emanates from choices, at least of the couple, yet innocent children and others suffer the consequences. Yet both cancer and divorce has something in common. Despite the unavoidable pain, the collateral damage can be mediated if people care enough to try.

For cancer? Listening to the patient at whatever level they want to go, talking of death or not, talking of what's next or not, being their listening ear and a hand to hold. And not condemning fellow family members if they process the whole event differently than you do. Allowing everyone involved to have their own experience, without script or condemnation. But if at all possible, clearing the air as best as possible with the dying person. Allow that person to rid themselves of any baggage they need to unload. Do the same for yourself, but not at their expense. If they can't handle the unload, find another place to drop that baggage.

When my dad was first diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, he thought there were 10 stages. We didn't tell him otherwise. It was bad enough as it was. But at the same time, we had some good honest talks over the next weeks as he led. A few days before he died, he got to give us his blessing. It was the most heart-rending experience I've ever had to watch him say good-bye to my children. But after he was gone, I had true closure. I didn't have that with my mother who died suddenly with no opportunity to process.

I hate cancer. But it typically allows time to process grief. Use that gift well.

For divorce? When it comes to the children of divorce, every parent should put aside what they want, what they are thinking, whatever caused them to separate from their spouse, and try their best to normalize their children's lives as much as possible. They should never become pawns in the process, or be used as messengers of doom from one parent to the other, or lose their favorite activities and friends because of choices their parents made.

And most importantly, parents should not criticize the other parent to their children. No matter how one former spouse feels about the other, that is still the child's parent and anything negative reflects back on the child.

My parents divorced but did an awesome job of parenting without such divisive game playing. Of course at times I heard negative things from them about the other, but mostly they both affirmed the other person as a parent. They behaved themselves when they needed to attend a function as my parents. I will always be grateful for how well they did that.

Divorce still hurts. It hurts to not have a whole family, every child's ideal, and that doesn't go away when you're grown up.

Cancer and divorce. They both rip at our hearts. Minimize the pain when you can. Embrace it when you can't avoid it, because then you'll find the healing faster. And especially at Christmas, remember anyone around you suffering from the heartbreak of either.