Yesterday I enjoyed all the mom posts. People happy to be moms. People praising their moms. And reminders that Mother's Day is not great for everyone.
Two things on my heart today. Some people put on a public front and tell everyone what a good mom they have out of respect, which they should, we are to honor our parents. But inside they have a big hole that should have been filled with parental approval, instead it holds shame.Where confidence and acceptance should blossom, a gaping wound sucks the life out of their soul.
What they needed growing up lie in simple encouragement, that pat on the back, that, "Keep it up! I can see you're doing your best." That moment of, "OK, so it didn't turn out the way you wanted, you'll figure it out. I believe in you." And that, "Wow! You're amazing! I'm so proud of you."
Instead, many people hear words like, "What? You got a B?" or "You came in second??" or "I was so embarrassed by your behavior." Critiques of clothing, vocabulary, effort, sports success, grades, church behavior, you name it, some parents always have a complaint.
Healthy parents do critique their children. They do guide them when they mess up. They do remind them of the standards they are expecting. They do encourage them to aim high. But they don't shame them, especially when the standard is the parent's, not the child's.
Those folks grow up, and become parents themselves. And then what happens? As the old adage goes, the same fire that melts the butter hardens the egg. Some folks with a lack of positive example, behave the same way, and pass along all the guilt and shame, and especially if abuse existed in their home. If that's you, get help!
Others, rise to the occasion, determine not to be that parent, and figure out how to do better. They won't be perfect, but they offer encouragement not criticism, they make suggestions instead of demanding perfection, they hold up standards but still love and accept their children when they fall short.
My mom wasn't perfect. She was weak and sometimes I had to parent her, but she loved me and showed me that in many ways. She was kind and encouraging. I knew she was rooting for me, no matter what. Having this from both parents gave me a basic belief in myself, that I could build on for my children.
Second thing, parents matter. We see it in ourselves. And if we have our own kids, we need to believe that. We need to remember that how we treat them affects who they grow up to be. God made each of us unique and gifted, and the more we encourage our children, the more they will grow into that miracle creation God intended.
So if you didn't have that example, and you need help, look for it. That's what churches are for, and books on parenting, and even classes. Get support. Those of you out there doing a great job without having had that example, you rock!
And if your children are still small, and you spend your days just trying to keep diapers changed, or if your kids are older and you're trying to stand up to the constant pressure to lower your standards and let them do what "everyone else is doing," hold on! A day will come when they will rise up and call you blessed! They will actually express their gratitude that you kept those standards, and helped them reach their potential.
Most of all, you can never love someone too much, a parent or a child. We can overindulge people with material needs, or look the other way during bad behavior which both cause problems. But our encouragement and kindness cannot possibly be overdone.
So call your mom if you still have one you can call, and say thanks, even if it was rough growing up, for we are to honor our parents. And if you have kids, hug them and hold on. The day will come you'll see the fruit of your labor. Those Mother's Day posts will be about you, and they won't be fake. Be sure to grab a tissue.
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