Adulthood

Recently a friend posted a helpful blog about men that women should not marry. Choices like an unbeliever, liar, addict, abuser, etc. Great list of those to avoid. My friend did not write it, but it's main point was that single women (and another post was for men) should not marry a bad choice, it was better to be single. With this I wholeheartedly agree and I appreciated my friend sharing it.

But I had to take issue with this one from the list:
"The man-child. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m suspicious of a guy who still lives with his parents at age 35. If his mother is still doing his cooking, cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s stuck in an emotional time warp. You are asking for trouble if you think you can be a wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up. Back away and, as a friend, encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature." (bolded emphasis mine)

I get the point. But I think we have to be careful what we assume about men or women living with their parents.

Americans value independence. The Bible values interdependence and community. In most cultures children don't move out while single, and often when married they bring their spouse into the family home. Most cultures live more intergenerationally, and benefit both directions.

Yes, we can find some men or women who haven't grown up and have an unhealthy dependence on their family. For some reason we see it as acceptable to room with a peer, but not a parent. These days that even gets testy, because anyone living with a same sex friend past their 20s is assumed to be gay. We really pretty much expect single people to live alone.

I quickly can think of two grown men who live with their mothers. One in his 50s had married, his wife left him, and he moved back in with his mother. She has rheumatoid arthritis and appreciates his help. He works long days and appreciates her cooking for him. They both share the bills. What could be wrong with this picture?

The other man in his thirties served in the Armed Forces, attended college and has lived on his own. But while working to fix his grandparents' house to live in he has lived with his mother. Again, mutual benefit, sharing bills and chores.

My own daughter after living with roommates in college started a graduate program where she knew no one, so she got her own apartment. She has lived alone for three years. Now she has two options, moving into an apartment over a garage of a family in her church, or living with three other women in community.

As she debates the advantages of each, she commented to me she feels like moving in with friends feels less "adult," like a step backwards after living independently.

I actually think the opposite is true. Anyone can live alone. When we can do whatever we want, whenever we want it, basking in our every possibly selfish choice, that takes less maturity. Living with others and sacrificing for community, whether with a spouse or friends, requires more maturity.

So while I realize that most of our culture even the Christians advocate independence, I will take a stand for interdependence. Sharing life not only benefits, it helps us grow in ways we cannot alone.
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 Painful, but worth it.