Tribute in Hind Sight

Honest confession: I was my daddy's girl. Growing up, you could best endear yourself to me by mentioning I resembled my father, not my mother. I loved my mother, see this adorable photo. She exuding comfort. But I did not admire her. I saw her as weak, watching her fall apart after my dad left her, and continue to struggle until her untimely death fifteen years ago today.

After Mom died, I learned new things about her. First I learned she was stronger than I imagined. Around me she let down her guard, but others saw her as strong, and considering all she dealt with being divorced and struggling with life long illness, they were right.

Secondly my mom never wanted to be anything but a mother. She struggled to support herself trying many jobs until finally becoming a content children's librarian, books and children fit her perfectly. This also shone in her love for reading to her grandchildren, an activity she was devoted to. Growing up I was determined to have a career, not struggle to find one like she did. I succeeded in that venture. But when mom died, I realized my favorite role in life was the one she had aspired to all along, motherhood. She got that right.

But thirdly I found myself mystified by how many people truly preferred my mother, in particular, many of her cousins (of which she had a slew) said she was their favorite cousin, aunts said she was their favorite niece. The woman she struggled with the most at work for many years, drove the 90 minutes to attend her funeral and seemed genuinely moved at her loss. I have mulled over that. What about my mother made so many people respond the same way?

I guess the real answer could only come from those who said it, but I have come to see she was truly a kind person, and that's hard to beat. Kind is not the same as nice. Someone can be nice, greet you on the street, but not really show any sort of connection or compassion. Kind can be misused, people can take advantage of kindness, others can enable unhealthy habits trying to be kind. But those exclusions aside, it's hard to go wrong with kind. Who doesn't appreciate someone being kind to them, asking them how they are, listening with full attention, remarking with compassion?

Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit, and worth cultivating. In these years without my mom, I learn more all the time to appreciate what she brought to life, and to our family. Having a mom that people like is a great gift. She learned it from her mother, and I sure hope I can pass it along.

Different Outcomes

 

On each end of the front row of this church basketball team are two Howells. They are the same age, born just one day apart, grew up within a mile of one another, both attended public urban schools, and the same church. Both are the youngest of their families, the little brother, the one typically wiggling and laughing and cutting up.

The white Howell lived in a house his parents owned and when he got older, could afford to attend a first rate college. At 23 he is now graduated and gainfully employed as a mechanical engineer, supporting himself on a comfortable salary. As I write this, he is enjoying California on a work trip.

The black Howell lived in public housing, eventually hanging on the street, getting involved in crime and spending time in prison. Last week he was found shot on a back street and died of his injuries.

There are more Howells in this photo. The adult with glasses is dad to that first child and the boy in front of him. The black child in front of that adult is brother to the now deceased Howell, and thankfully he has made solid choices with his life and is also working.

Young people growing up in poverty can make it, like that older brother. But the odds are sure stacked against them, which is why I am grateful that my Howell sons are doing so well, but heartbroken that this other Howell we once knew is now gone.

Don't Wait to Appreciate

For reasons I won't disclose, today I felt under-appreciated. We all hit those moments, as a parent, worker, teacher, pastor, even as a child or student. Perhaps it's a disease of sorts, pandemic and contagious, as we feel that way, we pass along the problem.

So I decided to try a counterattack, an antidote if you will. What if we expressed our appreciation proactively? For example, when someone retires or gets a new position, the workplace throws a celebration, so they will know they are appreciated. Wouldn't it be nice to know that while you still work someplace? What if we celebrated people for staying, not leaving? I know some companies do this, but typically as a group...what if a company celebrated their boss for staying, instead of waiting until they retire? Or a church their pastor or a school their principal? Think of how morale would rise at work if everyone felt appreciated.

Years ago it hit me how we say all manner of kind things at funerals, and sometimes the deceased person never heard those stories. I wrote letters to my parents, the kind of things you would say at those moments, while they were still alive. What a blessing I did so, as they both died young, and my mother suddenly and unexpectedly.

What if we also expressed our gratitude to those people who serve us and we commonly are frustrated by? We've been having issues with our postal service lately, and I thought of complaining. But I never have commended them for all their successful deliveries. I decided to write a happy note instead.

When I'm in a store or restaurant and someone does a good job, I ask for the manager and brag on the employee. I'm quick to complain if something is wrong, so I decided to balance the equation by noting what is right.

As I was pondering all this it made me think of God. We can go days taking for granted all God does for us. We breathe and eat and have shelter and water and friends and family, without saying nary a word to God about it. But let that first frustration come along, that disappointment, that call that didn't go our way, and we have no trouble calling up the management so to speak to voice our complaint.

Yet days go by in which the sun always does it's job even when we can't see it and gravity holds us down and God guides our steps but we say little in return. Certainly no one suffers the lack of appreciation experienced by God. Like the retirement analogy, let's not wait until we retire from this life to tell God we are grateful for the daily graces that keep us alive.

My blogs aren't usually this preachy, but I needed to hear it. :) This season especially, let's offer the antidote of gratitude into a world of frustrated hardworking people feeling unseen and underappreciated. One just might be you!

Glory

When I awoke the sun emblazoned the world into gold
As if during these winter days with few hours to shine
The sun wanted to remind us of it's capability of great glory
As the sun set the sky again glowed with heavenly light
Perhaps a reminder that even when our time is short
A short time to talk to someone
A short day to get our work done
A short life compared to eternity
We too are still capable of great glory

Time Doesn't Heal

Time by itself does not heal. It does help somewhat in the case of losing a loved one. In the beginning we say things like: this time last week, and then this time last month, and then this time last year. When that first year ends, we do find more freedom to move forward.

However time alone will not heal past hurts. We must find forgiveness and resolution. Time will also not make selfish people into kinder people if we continue on our same path. Just getting older does not make anyone nicer. In fact quite the opposite. People whose lives have been very self-centered, tend to become even more self focused as they age and the ravages of aging give them all the more reason to focus on themselves.

This reminds me of another well used saying that isn't really true. Practice makes perfect. My daughter's violin teacher used to say practice makes permanent. This is much more accurate. For if we practice something incorrectly, then we just ingrain the bad habit. That's why it helps to have a teacher or coach watching to see if we are doing it correctly.

Same as to our spiritual lives. It helps to have feedback from people we trust, people who will tell us if we're on the right track. If we heed their comments, we can correct our journey and make progress. If we chose to ignore them, assuming they are simply misguided in their critique, we will lumber along the ruts of our self-possessed pathway to destruction.

However those who live selfless lies focusing on other people continue in that path even when they themselves are suffering. I see this keenly in the example of my dear friend, a professor from seminary days. He took care of his ailing wife for many years before her passing earlier this year. Now that he himself is dying of pancreatic cancer, his stated goals are to live life with joy and complain a little as possible. And he is succeeding.

Time alone will not do much positive for us. But time plus kindness will multiply many times over. Time plus Jesus will transform us into his likeness. And time plus selfless living, will make us into the people that everyone wants to visit. As evidenced by the fact that when I went to visit my dear friend, the nurse didn't even have to ask me who I was going to see. That's the path I want to be on as time marches onward.

Holes Too

When people move away, not just across town but out of it, they too leave holes. If family members move, these holes trap us even in our house; we step in them when getting out of bed in the morning or trying to eat lunch. We notice these holes in our daily hygiene habits when the toothbrush holder gapes and not as many towels hang to dry. These holes create hazards to our daily functioning as we must learn to navigate new patterns.

When these family and friends visit, they temporarily fill their hole, which of course doesn’t happen with the deceased, so these holes never become the type of black hole that can swallow us completely. Those who communicate while away keep their hole from growing so deep. And yet when they leave again after a visit, the hole gaping suddenly again can trip up even the most wary and seasoned.

Holes

When people die they leave large holes that scar the landscape of our lives and create hazards like potholes on highways that we must be careful not to fall into at risk of losing ourselves for a time. As some time passes and we resolve some of the circumstances the holes shrink somewhat. But they never disappear.

For those more distant to the person, they learn to drive other roads to avoid the hole except those moments they take that familiar turning so comfortable in the past that takes them down that road and suddenly they find themselves confronted with that gaping hole and must again confront the loss.

For those close to the person, that road cannot be avoided, it is the path of their life and that hole will always remain gaping and in some ways dangerous as it can consume that loved one’s day or week or life if they find themselves constantly falling within it. For some that happens, they fall into that hole of grief and like a black hole it swallows them and they never fully emerge. 

But the healthy ones come to peace with the hole. Some days, especially at first, they fall in and roll around and even enjoy the darkness because the glare of the world becomes too much to bear. On other days they learn to walk around the hole, never fully escaping it or wanting to, but learning to navigate the new landscape. 

The healthy ones learn to assimilate the hole into everyday patterns, including it without drowning in it, avoiding disappearing within it without denying its existence. But it’s always a hazard, and can be backed into unawares at any moment, especially during certain seasons and occasions.

Revelation tells us when heaven and earth are remade there is no longer any sea, and like the cavernous ocean these holes will also be filled and healed, the landscape once again whole and healed. O for that day we long and await.

Katherine Callahan-Howell, ©2015