Cancer and Divorce

Cancer and divorce. They both leave huge holes behind where relationships used to be. Cancer sometimes follows bad choices like smoking, but often comes unwarranted and unbidden, announcing itself often so far into the process as to afford no escape. The process tries the most stalwart of souls, and leaves an ache in its wake impossible to reconcile.

Divorce more clearly emanates from choices, at least of the couple, yet innocent children and others suffer the consequences. Yet both cancer and divorce has something in common. Despite the unavoidable pain, the collateral damage can be mediated if people care enough to try.

For cancer? Listening to the patient at whatever level they want to go, talking of death or not, talking of what's next or not, being their listening ear and a hand to hold. And not condemning fellow family members if they process the whole event differently than you do. Allowing everyone involved to have their own experience, without script or condemnation. But if at all possible, clearing the air as best as possible with the dying person. Allow that person to rid themselves of any baggage they need to unload. Do the same for yourself, but not at their expense. If they can't handle the unload, find another place to drop that baggage.

When my dad was first diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, he thought there were 10 stages. We didn't tell him otherwise. It was bad enough as it was. But at the same time, we had some good honest talks over the next weeks as he led. A few days before he died, he got to give us his blessing. It was the most heart-rending experience I've ever had to watch him say good-bye to my children. But after he was gone, I had true closure. I didn't have that with my mother who died suddenly with no opportunity to process.

I hate cancer. But it typically allows time to process grief. Use that gift well.

For divorce? When it comes to the children of divorce, every parent should put aside what they want, what they are thinking, whatever caused them to separate from their spouse, and try their best to normalize their children's lives as much as possible. They should never become pawns in the process, or be used as messengers of doom from one parent to the other, or lose their favorite activities and friends because of choices their parents made.

And most importantly, parents should not criticize the other parent to their children. No matter how one former spouse feels about the other, that is still the child's parent and anything negative reflects back on the child.

My parents divorced but did an awesome job of parenting without such divisive game playing. Of course at times I heard negative things from them about the other, but mostly they both affirmed the other person as a parent. They behaved themselves when they needed to attend a function as my parents. I will always be grateful for how well they did that.

Divorce still hurts. It hurts to not have a whole family, every child's ideal, and that doesn't go away when you're grown up.

Cancer and divorce. They both rip at our hearts. Minimize the pain when you can. Embrace it when you can't avoid it, because then you'll find the healing faster. And especially at Christmas, remember anyone around you suffering from the heartbreak of either.

Immediate Gratification

It's not really a surprise to say that the prevalent disease of our culture is immediate gratification. We can't wait for anything. And because we can't wait for simple things like our food to cook in an oven instead of a microwave or be prepared by a cook at a restaurant instead of mass produced on an assembly line, we can't wait for more important things either.

We can't wait for someone to pay us a compliment of their own volition, we have to fish for it. We can't wait for the price to come down on the latest gadget, we have to be the first to own it. We can't wait for our paycheck, we use credit or get a pay advance.

And we pass this disease on to our children.

But worst of all, we can't wait for heaven for all the blessings of God. We insist on having them here. Of course God does have daily blessings for us. But we never seem satisfied, we always want more. Now. Or yesterday even.

Time doesn't exist in heaven. I'm not sure if that means we won't have to wait for things. But even if we don't have to wait any more, I hope we will graduate from the selfish attitude that demands all our toys now.

All Nighter

People stay up all night for a lot of reasons. Homework. Work work. Partying. Just to say they did.

Last night 20 youth hung out at our church all night. Eight of them stayed up all night. They felt so proud of themselves.

I used to work third shift, so it was not new territory for me. Can't say I've done it lately. It really wasn't even hard...I think that was the Holy Spirit. I was plenty tired in the afternoon, so it sure wasn't my energy.

It was great to see teens having some positive fun things to do, different from what a lot of their peers would stay up all night doing.

I think my favorite part was how they interacted. Some of them are good friends, but if you put all of them together, they would not hang out at school. Yet all night they were kind to each other, no one was left out, even one kid from our church who didn't know the others.

We can do this, world. We can hang out with others different from us, even when we are teenagers, and be gracious and kind, and even have fun.

That was worth staying up all night to see.

Purging

Today I purged my refrigerator. I am not much of a housekeeper, instead a mom/wife and pastor, and people claim primacy, stuff has to happen when it can. My fridge doesn't call out to help it, so it gets ignored.

I hate wasting food, but it happens, then I feel awful throwing it away. I have wasted our money, and the starving world's food.

I also hate throwing away the remnants of daughters gone since summer because that's just more evidence that they are really gone again. Keeping that hummus in there invites them back.

But today it all went in the garbage, and hopefully having it cleared out will help me keep on top of what I have and use it better. Roger being sick meant no one eating spinach and fresh veggies.

I need to purge a lot of other things. I cleaned out the bottom of my study closet this weekend in desperation with the need to find something. It seems I only purge when I'm desperate.

Daily purging would be nice. At least keeping a handle on it. And I don't mean my fridge or closet but my soul. I shouldn't just keep stuff around hoping it will turn up useful someday.

Rotted material, got to go. Outdated thinking, pitch it. Look for fresh and refreshed. Pertinent and personal. Real and reality. Look for Jesus. He moves in to the vacancy left by the garbage. What an upgrade.

Stones

When you tell people your husband has a kidney stone, you get two comments.
1. It's like having a baby
2. This too shall pass

It took a while to find a woman who had actually been all the way through labor and had a kidney stone to confirm the first assertion. Having men say so is all hypothetical. When it was all over, Roger asked me if his pain over the last week equaled the pain I experienced in birthing all four of our children.

I wasn't excited to concede that point. After all, are we counting the hours of labor, or the nine months of each pregnancy? In sheer pain, he wins. On Monday with two pain pills he was writhing on the floor.

As for the second assertion, this too did not pass. The doctor had to go in there and get that baby out of there. Less intrusive than a c-section thankfully. After a week of laboring to pass a stone that was already almost delivered, it seemed to be stuck. Not anymore.

I find the comparison idea humorous. It's as if men are tired of women holding childbirth suffering over their heads and are struggling to make up ground. I'll just concede the point, not having been through stones personally even. Whatever labor is like you still get an amazing blessing to show for it, instead of a follow up with a urologist and a change in diet.

As for the "this too shall pass," that's true of everything eventually, but not very consoling. At times people need to be reminded their struggles will end. But mostly they just need to be listened to.

We are grateful for many listeners this week, by email, Facebook, text and phone, many friends have prayed and inquired and supported. Thanks.

The Score

When I'm watching my team play ball, I get frustrated when the scorekeeper messes up. When they add the latest goal/run/etc. to the wrong team, I want to be sure it gets fixed. I want the score to be right, especially for my team.

You would expect the pros never to mess this up, but I've even seen it happen at that level. But there is one score that will be accurate for sure, that's the one God is keeping.

We might think it's wrong. We might think he's missed something, because we sure keep it differently.

We notice all kinds of wrongs that we want tallied. But if forgiveness has been granted, those scores are cleared. We have to let go, whether its us or someone else.

I've done a lot of ministry that seems wasted, unaccounted for, off the scoreboard. It's not on any earthly tally. But God is keeping score.

That gives me remarkable comfort.

It's just as remarkable that there is any score at all, that I haven't canceled out any accomplishments with all the missed opportunities and mangled attempts. That's where forgiveness comes in.

Some days I wish the score were as clearly posted as a flashing Jumbotron. But most of the time, I'm sure I'm glad it's not.

I imagine in heaven somehow finding out our true "score" will neither give us reason to boast or to be ashamed. Mostly importantly I am simply glad that Jesus said even a cup of cold water will not lose its reward. That means that no service done in the name of Jesus will be wasted. That is Kingdom economy, and I am grateful.

Judging

Imagine if I took all the energy I spend judging other people, deciding how they should use their resources, time and creativity, how much I could accomplish? Not just this week when writing, but all the time.

Jesus said judge not lest you be judged, so I am also inviting a lot of judgment onto myself.

I don't think of people as evil, mostly simply misguided. If only they would make the wise choices I make. If I bothered to turn this lens of correction on myself, I would quickly draw back in horror.

Part of me thinks it unwise to post such a confession. The part of me that insists I do so hopes for the redirection that can emanate from transparency about one's shortcomings. What an understated word for sin.