A Split Soul

Today I walked up Kennesaw Mountain, where the Confederate Army dug in to protect Atlanta from the advancing Union troops. They lost and the Union Army left a swath of burning and pillaging in their wake.

I was born in Kentucky, a border state. Kentucky was a slave state, a fact of which I'm not proud. But when the war came, we made the right choice. Yet that choice split families as brothers signed up for differing sides of the conflict. Imagine the parents' anguish.

I now live in Cincinnati, and our family never really claims the state of Ohio, living in the corner as we do, but I'm proud of many things about my adopted city. Yet being a pseudo-Southerner is like having a split personality. Living with guilt, yet pride in the positives about the South, like the warm hospitality.

I'm grateful the Civil War ended slavery. But when I'm in the south, noting evidence of the battles, it hurts my soul. It hurts my soul to see injustice fixed only by violence.  And it's still going on today, in the Middle East, Ukraine, other parts of the world. I'm glad we are once again the "United" States, but justice still struggles, as we sure haven't outgrown racism and its side effects. As we continue to attempt to solve injustice with violence, sometimes it's hard to say which is worse, injustice, or the remedy. 

Humans lose more than just lives to violence, we lose respect and trust. And yet so often, as in the days of Lincoln, hard choices have to be made. I'm glad I don't have to make this kind of decision. I want to be careful not to judge those who must. The Bible tells us to pray for our leaders, let us do so instead of judging their choices. And may God clearly lead them.

Regret

Today I saw one of those signs in the store full of advice, and it ended with Never regret.

I have tried to live my life without regret. When I think of living without regret, for me that mostly means in relationships. Like tell people how you feel, hug them, love them, make sure they know. Too often we lose people without them understanding our deepest regard for them. Or they just walk around feeling undervalued because we didn't express ourselves.

But as I saw that sign saying Never regret, I thought that's a bit impossible. If we live with risks, take chances to stretch ourselves, sometimes it won't work out well. We'd be crazy not to regret that wrong move that ended up with a broken bone or other mishap. We will find ourselves saying, "well I wish I hadn't done that."

So I do try to live without regret in a way that pushes me to places I would otherwise avoid, but allow myself regret when appropriate, when life doesn't work out.

Today Robin Williams died, probably at his own hand, his escape from depression. Suicide brings a host of regret from the person's loved ones, a tornado of "What ifs..."

But we can only live life forward. Perhaps Williams himself had a moment of regret before his life elapsed.

On a smaller scale in the world's eyes, a dear Christian leader in our denomination and his wife died taking their granddaughter home, and the child perished as well. Undoubtedly the mother and father of that three-year-old, grieving their daughter and parents, are full of what-ifs as well, but at least that leader and his wife lived life full on for God, and died without regret, instead of in despair.

Whether by our own hand in a swirl of depression or by tragic accident, our end looms uncertain. In every day we are gifted, let us truly live without regret, taking advantage of every opportunity, even more as the Day approaches, and when we fail, forgive ourselves easily and begin again. Herein lies the remedy for regret.

God Sent a Deer

Today I took my daily walk in Spring Grove Cemetery. If you're not from Cincinnati that may sound odd, but it's an arboretum too, the largest civilian cemetery, and quite beautiful. Typically I walk about 3 miles and clock my pace on my phone.

But today I felt too tired and weary of spirit so I just ambled along, then took a few moments to sit and contemplate. I had just passed this monument and was thinking about how we cannot build anything permanent on this earth, it is subject to decay. I've been missing my parents this weekend looking through old photos.

 

I was sitting across from this beautiful chapel which is also missing pieces.

 I got up to continue my walk and noticed a deer down the road. It was mid day, hot, not a normal time to see a deer. Then I saw she had twin fawns. I began walking toward her. They were grazing some distance away and I kept walking to get a better view. The mother saw me, and began walking TOWARD me. You can see in this series of pictures how far she came in my direction, her ears pointed forward, looking right at me.

Something spooked one of the fawns and they all ran off, bounding away their white tails flagged in the air. I turned and started for home.

Deer are common everyday creatures, abundant in the cemetery and most woods, but I still love them. I felt encouraged by this special moment of connection. I felt encouraged to keep walking forward, into what the future holds, I will only see my parent in heaven, I will only see what God has in store here by walking into it. But God wasn't done yet.

On this hot day, a car stopped with one of the staff and handed me a cold bottle of water. I have walked here for years and that has never happened.

Then today's mail brought a belated birthday card with a gift from my mother-in-law, more than expected gift inside. Also a dear friend sent a gift in honor of Girlfriends Day. I felt remembered and acknowledged.

As I was walking toward the deer, my headphones were playing Because He Lives, a new version by David Crowder Band with Bill Gaither. "God sent his Son..." That's the really story of every day, but today in addition to that eternal gift, God sent a deer, a bottle of water, gifts in the mail. God wanted me to feel loved. And I do.